A lot of info has come through my emails in the last couple of years or so. Some of it is actually quite insightful and thought provoking! Here is just a sampling of some of the things that I have read and stopped to ponder:
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
6. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
17. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative.
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
20. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS'?
25. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to doit.
26. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
27. No one is listening until you fart.
28. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
30. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
31. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
32. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth it.
33. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.
34. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
35. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
36. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
37. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
38. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
39. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
40. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
41. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
42. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
43. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
44. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
45. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!!!
46. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
47. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
48. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
dn
Thanks for the laugh this morning!
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