Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Bit Of Holiday Levity!

I’m sure by now, most of you are getting a little stressed out preparing for the holidays. So, in order to help you relax, I’ve devoted today’s post to a bit of Holiday Levity! Granted these aren’t new jokes but hopefully you will have a chuckle or two!!

Types of Clause’s:
- Saint Nicholas is the main Clause.
- His wife is a relative Clause.
- His children are dependent Clauses.
- Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive Clause.
- Santa’s elves are subordinate Clauses.

Holiday Riddles:
Q: What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
A: This one will sleigh you!
Q: Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
A: Because they are both tail bearers!
Q: Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
A: Because they would look silly in plastic macs!
Q: How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
A: Don’t feed it!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

Name That Christmas Carol!
Q: Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
A: Go, Tell It on the Mountain
Q: The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
A: Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
Q: Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
A: What Child is This?
Q: Delight for this Planet
A: Joy to the World
Q: Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
A: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Q: The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
A: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Q: Array the Corridor
A: Deck the Hall
Q: Bantam Male Percussionist
A: Little Drummer Boy
Q: Monarchial Triad
A: We Three Kings
Q: Nocturnal Noiselessness
A: Silent Night
Q: Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
A: God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
Q: Red Man En Route to Borough
A: Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Q: Frozen Precipitation Commence
A: Let it Snow

- When you dress it up with silver and gold, it doesn’t look like a cheap hooker.
- A Christmas tree will never complain if you compare it to another bush.
- A Christmas tree will stay up late, watch a porno with you, and won’t say, “Hey, look at the size of that one … I didn’t know they made ‘em that big!”
- Christmas trees actually like when you use exotic electrical devices.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have a plastic one in the closet.
- It always smells fresh as a forest.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day or go to a strip club after work.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get possessive if you want to let your neighbor use your balls.
- You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
- When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good – even when it’s lit.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
- You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You only have to feed/water it once a week.
- It’s always there to light up your life.
- It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
- It always smells nice and doesn’t pass gas.
- If it needles you, you can toss it out.
- It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.

Is There A Santa?

1. Santa’s Workload
There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Budist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 85.7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 767.9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1,000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house.”

2. The Time/Distance Factor
Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we’re talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles.

3. Calculation of Estimated Speed
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound.

4. Santa’s Payload
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a mdeium-size Lego set (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as “heavy.” On land, normal reindeer could pull no more than 300 pounds, and even granting that flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa’s going to need 214,200 reindeer to pull his sleigh. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the “Queen Elizabeth.”

A craft of 353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up Mr. Claus and his sleigh like a spacecraft reentering Earth’s atmosphere.

If there is a Santa, he’s toast.

Maxine’s Top Ten Ways Christmas Has Changed Due to the Economy..
10) Twelve Days of Christmas now down to ten and a half.
9) "Ho, Ho, Ho" replaced by exasperated sigh.
8) Three out of eight maids a milking on unemployment.
7) Yule log has to last all year.
6) Frosty the Snowman now a depressed, melancholy soul.
5) Letters to Santa include resumes.
4) Tinsel recycled for cash money.
3) People hoping to get coal in case gas gets shut-off.
2) Out of town company staying through next Christmas.
1) Getting a meat and cheese assortment, not such a bad gift.

Merry Humbug!!

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